The value of a hug.

I have become a connoisseur of hugs. They range from the big burley guys who don't know what to say and make up for it by the force of their hugs and the meek hugs of the little ladies of our neighborhood with heartfelt comments of love and concern.

I have been a little anxious to see my 5 grandchildren who live in St George. The two oldest were here when I was diagnosed but none of them had seen me since my surgery. Knowing them I was concerned that my speech would scare them. I needn't have worried. Their parents had prepared them well. They knew what to expect. They each were excited to see their grandma and grandpa again and each gave hugs and kisses. Brooke (7 years old) immediately upon seeing me rushed into my arms and gave me the most fervent hug I can remember. It must have lasted one or two minutes. That single hug and all the love it contained has buoyed my spirit ever since as well as all the others I received. I have received extra hugs from all my grand children even those that a month ago thought they were too old or too cool for it. It has helped me and and I think it has been therapeutic to them also. Hugs are an expression of love that have benefited me greatly

I started chemo and radiation yesterday. Everything is going great so far. The chemo didn't make me sick and the radiation has been painless so far. I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers. They are working!

Radiation Begins Monday

The clinic was able to do the prep word faster than expected, so I begin radiation and chemo Monday morning. I will go each work day. I get July 5th and 24th off. The chemo I take each night at bedtime along with a nausea pill. They are confident that I will tolerate the chemo well. I will lose my hair permanantly where the radiation enters my skull and where it exits so I will shaving my head beginning next week. I think I will let my grandkids do it this weekend. According to my dad God only made so many perfect heads and they belong to bald people. Roma is skeptical of that statement.

I have to admit I am a little anxious about this coming month. So much depends on how this goes. I would solicit your prayers in my behalf. I still have a calm spirit about the situation. The mercies of the Lord have been with me continuously. I am so thankful. Your prayers are felt more than you will ever know.

Torture chamber

They need to hold my head perfectly still while they radiate my head. So they have prepared a mask that they will strap on me during each treatment. There is a lot a physics that goes into the process so this has been quite interesting. I glad I'm not claustrophobic. I have to admit today as they were making adjustments that I became a little anxious as time went on. The normal time for my daily radiation will be only 15 minutes or so.

I have completed my course of steriods. I am glad that is done. I can now get a good nights sleep, but I will miss the alone time that I have had in the middle of the night. I need to continue to set aside time for deep thinking.

Clarity of thinking

I had an experience the other night that taught me a lesson. As most of you know the tumor is in a place that affects my speech muscles on the right side of my face. In order to talk I need to visualize in my brian what I want to say, hear my old voice say it, and then try to mimick it. It has been a slow process, but I am getting better at it. I pretty much sound like a Seseme Street character.

Each night when Roma and I go to bed we have couple prayer and then our individual prayers. That time together has become more sacred to us. A special time. When it is my turn to say the prayer it takes a long time. Because it does take time I find myself being guided more so than ever in what I say. I find myself thanking a loving Father in Heaven for blessings received and being rewarded with even more blessings as we pray.

The experience came in my individual prayer. Because I didn't have to go through the process of verbalizing my prayer, I just started thingking my prayer. It was a disaster. I reverted to all the old habits of saying whatever came into my mind. Senseless drivel. I couldn't put two meaningful sentences together. What a lesson. I had to begin again and slow down. When we pray for the Spirit and with the Spirit our prayers become effectual. When we don't they bounce right off the ceiling.

My grandson Abe has a new job chart while he is here. One of his chores is to make sure Grandpa reads to him every day. It is a delightful time which he takes very seriously. We read his simple books to speed up my speech. It helps and it is humbling, although he is a little tough on me. He makes me repeat all the words I get wrong. Oh for the wisdom of a seven year old.

Happy Fathers Day!!!

The Real Hero

I'm getting in trouble for this post, but it is worth it. I am married to the most fantastick woman in the world. Through all this trial she has been rock. So too are my sons and daughters and their spouses. I couldn't ask for more. I just sit around here like a rock star being waited on hand and foot.

Well last night as we had finished are prayers I snuggled into bed. Roma snuggled right next to me and began sobbing. Not sobbing for herself, but for me. She said that she was not strong last night and couldn't bear to see me go through what I eventually may have to go through. I was thinking just the opposite. My biggest worry is that she has toughest row to howe. She always has to keep it together. She is the face of the family. Until I rehabilitate my voice she speaks for me. She has been strong and she will continue to be. Ours is an eternal marriage. I believe that. I know that. We can come out on the other side of this trial better than before. That process has already started. Prayers have more meaning. The spirit is closer, and our love is deeper. Please keep her in your prayers. I cherish her and honor her.

I have a new favorite scripture. Romans 8: 38-39 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The Word

The Scar. I need to add an line to the bottom to make a Y! A U just won't do and I can't figure out a way to make AF out of it.

Today, Roma and I vistited the Oncologist and Radiation Oncologist. They were terrific. My son's Tommy and David and my daughter Emily were able to go and asked terrific questions. Here's the scoop.

I have a tumor called a glio blastoma. It is a grade 4 or highly aggressive. It was fairly small and when the surgeon took it out he couldn't see any tenticles. That doesn't mean much. It will most likely eventually take my life.

I am according the the doctors extremely healthy so I should be able to withstand the regimines of radiation and chemotherapy. I will undergo 6 weeks of radiation in conjuction with chemo. The chemo will extend beyond the radiation for up to a year.

According to all this I will still be alive and kicking as much as a year from now and probably two. They are betting on the latter. I am betting even longer. I have lots to do.

I have had some interesting feelings today.

1. Love, not despair. The only tears I have spent this day were due to the love of my famliy and friends. Of course I am not looking forward to this. I am not morbid. I figure I should be able to grow from this and learn some eternal lessons that I can perhaps share.

2. Work to do. I have lots to do. My bucket list is growing! Hopefully growing with things that will bless the lives of those around me with a few things thrown in for fun. Another family trip to the AF/BYU game this fall being one of them.

3. Life goes on. After the appointments I realized that life is going to go on. I need to think about providing for my family and make plans for future. Roma and I have a lot of life to live yet, a lot of grandkids to hug, and a lot of work to do. I have many healthy months ahead of me. I plan to take advantage of each one of them.

Please pray for me and my family. We feel your prayers. We honor your service. God bless you!

Soul Food/Comfort Food

I cannot still sleep at night, but I don't mind. I have the clearest thoughts at night unencombered by the world. It refreshing.

Roma and I were talking yesterday morning about all the food and expressions of love we have recieved. They fill the house! Combined with the visits and telephone calls we receive from loved ones and friends we feel honored and blessed. We'll not be able to thank you who have given your love and shoulder of compassion in a lifetime. I can only promise to do likewise.

This has been a multi-denominatianal excersice. I am LDS and have received so much support from my ward and friends. My bothers Lutheran congregation in Pittsburgh is praying for me as well as my other brothers Penetostal congregration in Redlands, CA. My Grandson Isaac goes to a Methodist pre-school in Va and they are praying for me. I have been told of a few more and they are all appreciated. I literally have felt them all. At times the love I feel almost consumes me. I have no fear because the spirit is so strong. You may see me crying, but they are tears of joy and thankfulness.

I have been given an new appreciation for comfort food. As I said we have a house full of food and I will have do go on a diet to lose some weight after this. When we sit down to eat we can literally feel the love that has gone into that food. We can taste it. We can smell it in the flowers and the desserts. We can feel it in the cards and letters and phone calls. It is soul food! You have given a sacred gifts and they are appreciated. Charity never faileth.

In the arms of love.

We don't get all the kids together very often. When we do it is a perfect storm. Last night was one of them. One of the kids (Tommy) had been out of town all week on business. Everyone else was here, but my oldest daughter needs to return to her family this morning early. The kids decided it was time to take a family picture of Roma and I and the five children so we made a makeshift studio down in the basement. Tommy's luggage was a problem, so he was a little later than expected.

I was sitting downstairs with the rest soaking up their love and sharing feelings. When Tommy did arrive the party started. Silliness reigned. I believe we did get a few good pictures, but what I took away from that experience was the love of a family. The importance of family. I am picturing that same family doing the same things 20 years ago . The scene was similar. The same silliness reigned. There was the same love. I hope and trust that isn't the last time that we will get together as a family unit in this life, but I will treasure that experience forever. Family is forever. Family is about love. God is Love.

Early morning

It's 4;25 AM and I am wide awake. The birds are trying to wake everyone else too but around this house it's just me. All around this house people are exhausted from worrying and serving me and Roma. The birds are glorious. It's been like this since I've been home from the hospital. I go to bed and sleep for maybe two or three hours. Then when I awaken for various things, I can't go back to sleep. I lay there in bed trying not to disturb Roma (who is an angel meeting my every wish and need) and think and think. I have not solved any problems such as the state of politics and the economy, but I have straightened out myself to some small extent. I have learned several small lessons. I might share them with you from time to time. I hope I don't come off more righteous than you. I'm not. It is just that I have been learning a few lessons.

For instance last night I caught the thought that I might just have the excuse to be a little bitter. I let a storm of indignation enter my body. It did't feel good. Satan's thoughts never do. I next caught the thought that that has buoyed me up from the beginning of this journey. That is one word; PEACE. In my first prayer offered in response to this challenge I had the overwhelming feeling that I would be all right; that God has a plan for me. It brought peace to my soul. Now I don't think that means that I have have given up. I will fight this to the end. What this does mean is I will accept God's plan for me; no matter what. I have given a lot of thought to Jobs words in Job 19: " 25 For I ^aknow that my ^bredeemer liveth, and that ^che shall ^dstand at the latter day upon the earth:

26 And though after my skin worms destroy this ^abody, yet in my ^bflesh shall I ^csee God:

27 Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold." I believe that. I know that. You and I will stand at the latter day and bow in reverence before the savior and redeemer. He has conquered all.

The birds are singing. They are God's birds.

Brain Tumor

Thursday May 27, I was as work at RC Willey. I felt a little confused. I had a hard time speaking the words I wanted to say. I gave up and went home early. I chalked it all up to a bad cold. I took drugs. It was a little better Friday and Saturday. Then Sunday I had to give a talk at Church Sunday. I struggled again finding the words I wanted to say. I went to work Monday and had a pretty good day. Tuesday I had a horrible day, and I decided to go to the doctor Wednesday morning. He immediately scheduled me for an MRI. I had one an hour later and less than a half an hour after the MRI I had an appointment with Dr.Paul Gardner, a neurologist. He met with Roma and I late Wed. night and told me that I had a mass on the left hand side of my brain. I had three scenarios all of which involved removing the mass. He hoped it would be an abcess caused by bactiera. I had had a lousy cold, and combined with some dental work I had had previously it seemed logical. The other two scenerios involved tumors; a much worse scenario.

That day is almost a dream. Roma and I knelt down for prayer immediately when we found out about the mass. I had an overwhelming feeling of calm come over me that has existed to the present time.

It turns out that I did have a tumor, that has now been removed. I will be undergoing radiology and chemo therapy beginning this week. The prognosis isn't good, but I do still feel the same calmness. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me whatever may come.

The good news it that I am feeling better every day. The priesthood blessing that two of my sons and father-in-law gave me has been fulfilled. The tumor affects my speech patterns. I have to concentrate on how every word sounds.

I experienced moments of revelation. I think of a grandson struggling to learn words. I now have more empathy for him. My granddaughter is developmentally delayed. I am 60 years developmentally delayed!! My speech is hampered, but my spiritual senses have been enhanced. I have been able to express to my wife and my children feelings I have long withheld.

I have cried buckets of tears, not for sorrow, but for love. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that the Lord loves me and he has a plan for us. It is an eternal plan. We may not know every turn and stumble in the road, but as we struggle to remain faithful we will be blessed!! Eternally!!

I know that Jesus Christ suffered not only for the sins of the world, but that he suffered my pains and anguish too. I feel wrapped up in the arms of His love. I feel all wrapped up in the love of my friends, ward members, hospital staff, brothers, sisters, long lost cousins and anyone else who has gone out of their way to bless the life of the Paul Peterson family.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!